Communicate Instead of Blow Up – Dialogue Instead of Fight

I’ve always been a pretty emotional, passionate go-getter type of person and when it comes to communicating, that set of attributes can be a recipe for disaster! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve 100% unconsciously driven towards winning an argument or conversation and tried to force my opinion as the only right answer without truly listening to the other side, and without any type or REAL dialogue.

Somewhat unrelated but complex communication is driven by the part of the iceberg you don't learn in school.

As I grew up a little, I started to recognize this shortfall but would still make the same mistakes, in a patient, more reserved way by letting the other side state their case, biding my time, waiting to strike, then ripping in. Does this sound familiar? I think it happens to everyone, and often times it’s not even intended.

I like to read a fair amount and recently I read a book, which I had very little expectations for. I picked it up at Chapters in Regina, where it was sitting under the Chapters MBA section (which is a funny story because it doesn’t look to be part of the Indigo MBA program). It’s called Crucial Conversations – Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High. Now that my title has “Communications” in it, I figure I better figure out how do it, without the bouts of anger and fits that come with emotionally charged conversations! (or clamming up instead of dealing head on)

With little for expectations, I came out the other side with wide eyes. I had more then a few AH-HA moments while reading it and it felt like it gave me the vocabulary to talk to myself through some situations and the tools to be much more considerate. I’m not the type to become a fan boy overnight or pump tires where they don’t need to be but I would recommend this book in a heart beat. The only caveat I’d give is that, if you’re not in a frame of mind where you know for a fact you can be a much much stronger communicator, don’t waste your time.

Ask the simple question to try and see the persons green side instead!

One of my big take away’s, and there are many from the book, is that instead of becoming either violent or clamming up, you need to become curious. To communicate instead of blowing a gasket or resenting the other side, it’s a mighty help to step back and ask – “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way”. To think of the other side as reasonable, rational and decent does wonders. Sometimes people can be total, and absolute dbags, like this guy… but often times I’ve found myself charging ahead in an argument or conversation with the same vigor as I would with a complete adversary, when the person on the other side is family, my wife, my co worker or a friend.

I think I might be wired with one level of fight, and that’s peddle to the mat! When you take a second and consider the person on the other side as reasonable, rational, and decent, then ask why that person would act this way, it helped me step back, asses then communicate instead of blowing a gasket, and rewired the fight I have with the other side to be (or come close too) a dialogue.

Maybe you can too!?